30 April 2015

In life, it seems, there is no way to avoid pain, to avoid suffering or losses. Whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not, there are going to be times when life is not going to go as we want; we may lose people we love, jobs we are attached to or capacities we didn't value until we didn't have them. This is a fact of life. But what is variable is how we handle these situations, and how we manage ourselves in the face of tragedies, sorrows and difficulties.

It is said that in the most difficult of moments we can find within ourselves a strength we didn't know we had, and in learning about our strengths we can become more of who we always wanted to be. Let's then not be afraid of challenges, darkness or sadness; let's embrace them to experience their sweetness as we are transformed by them.

There was a time in my life when during the course of months I lost my job, a lot of my income, and some of my reputation in the eyes of acquaintances, friends and the partner I was with. There were times when I was sad beyond what I thought was possible, at other times I was depressed and at others angry. I was afraid of the unknown, of starting a new life while I was mired in sorrow for my losses.

What I hadn't expected was that during this process I would realize how confused I was with my roles in life; I thought I was my job, and I had believed I was who other people thought I was. If they didn't approve of my actions then I was a bad person, or so I thought. I didn't know I believed my value was related to how much money I had until I learned that not having much didn't change me as a person. I also realized that the skills I used to make the money were still within me.

I also learned during this time that real friends are rare. They are rare not because people have bad intentions, but because many don't have the strength to uphold a friend and help him/her if that means putting themselves in a vulnerable position, such as speaking up for that friend at the risk of losing their own jobs, or at the risk of being criticized, ridiculed or even attacked. That's why being a good friend is really being loyal to the highest principles we can uphold, and that is tough for any human being no matter their level of consciousness and awareness. So I thought: How can I expect others to do what I often fail to do myself?

There I was then, with almost no money, rejected, alone, with no job and in poor health. But I decided to not give up. I cried a lot, I felt a lot and I understood more than ever before. Experiencing the losses gave me clarity about what is really important in life, which for me is to be honorable, to enjoy life no matter what, to help others if we can as we share our journey. At the end we only have ourselves and our awareness of how we have chosen to live our life. We have others who may want to journey with us and help us, but we cannot rely on any one 100%, so becoming as self-reliant as possible seems like a better bet than trying to rely on others.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't mean that we need to become silos, or totally independent; no, not at all. I don't think that is possible. We are always going to rely on other people and nature for own survival, food, shelter and many other things that are external to us. But to demand the world to give to us, and to depend on the goodwill of others, doesn't seem like a good way to live if we don't want to be constantly asking others to be good samaritans and give to us, without having to work for it or exchange for it.

But let's get back now to the difficulties in life, to the sorrows and tragedies. I spoke about self-reliance because, in the face of losing much of what we identify ourselves with and that on which we believe we depend, we may find within us a void and an emptiness we didn't know we had. We may not know who we are; we may not have a strong sense of self to rely upon in life. We may not have a deep sense of love and an appreciation for life and living.

Without these basic "fillings", we can become addicts to approval, recognition, attention, superficial "love", fame, wealth or any other material possessions, all of which we confusedly believe give us a sense of self, a sense of who we are and a purpose in life. This is because many believe that seeking what they are attached to is a clear and direct way of living. It may feel like a strong mission and purpose in life even though it is really coming from a place of lack and fear

For example, someone may believe their reason for living is to become famous, because when they were children their father beat them and they felt they were not worthy. Now they want to become worthy in the eyes of the world. Or maybe the person didn't have money and they felt insecure and "less than"; now they want to become super rich to never feel "less than" ever again. Or maybe the person didn't get enough affection from his/her mother/father, and now wants to find a spouse who will always care for them and always tell them how good they are.

Having these sorts of goals is not bad, it is just that acquiring these things is not going to fill the void we have inside. That's why when we lose it all, we can gain it all. For me this means that in losing all we believed we needed, what we thought gave us our identity, and in experiencing what we have most feared, we may learn that we are still alive, still who we are, and that we need less of what we thought we needed.

Of course we can learn these things only if we are humble and honest enough to look at our situation without blame, anger or hate. We could blame the world, people, circumstances or even God for our demise. If we do this, we many not squeeze enough value out of our tragedies to be transformed by them. Better to see how we created our own suffering, better to see what we couldn't or didn't want to see before, better to feel "naked" and vulnerable than to continue to pretend our pride is our self and that we are doing great when we are not.

Tears may need to come out of our eyes to release our sorrow and pain at having lost, at having been fools tricked by the temptations of the world: that beauty will give us love, that money will give us friends and value, that possessions will give us security, and that pleasure will give us self-esteem. No, these are not possible.

So when we lose our external garments of money, "friends", recognition, attention, fame and whatever else we thought we needed, we can finally look at ourselves in the mirror to see who we really are and, in doing so, see beauty in our imperfections, have gratitude for the little or much we have, and have appreciation for life itself as a great place for us to experience all that we experience. Life will have downs, just as it will have many more opportunities to be up.

Like the seasons in nature, we may go through the winter believing that all there is is winter, but if we let go and decide to be transformed by the natural flow, we may rise again in spring with new eyes to see colors being born from the remnants of darkness.

Smile my friend, and know you are more than what you think you are, you can love more than you believe, and you can live with much less than what you believe you need.

I hope these ideas can help improve your ride through life. And I would love to hear from you. Please leave your comments in the section below or on Facebook/Twitter. Could you please share:

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Thank you and enjoy the rest of your day

WINTERS OF LIFE